Musings of a Fat Nobody
Musings of a Fat Nobody #215 (the Rubber Dicks & Lube Edition)

Well todays foray into the complete and utter weird begins today where it always does, in the wonderful world of retail. So sit back strap in shut your mouth & enjoy  my insanity as i see it.

Its your average sunday in the fall out shelter of consumer run nightmares when the star of our story saunters through the doors to throw my small mind into a tizzy of complicated thought.

Our hero is an elderly gentlemen. When i say elderly i mean old. When i say old I mean about three days from staring at a velvet lined box. OLD.

This gentlemen saunders up to the register and asks “Where are your sex toys?” Not an unusual question, we get old timers come in on a regular basis looking for everything from hardening spray to the occasional cunt plug but there was a fire in this mans eyes that says if he had the chance he might fuck something right in the store.

So my young associate Ben escorts him to the section to allow him to gander at our selection of things that go hum in the night. So we leave him to his own devices when from the back we hear something fall. Multiple things fall. My young apprentice heads to the back to make sure our new friend hasn’t died of shock. On his return my associate comes back with an arm load of rubber dicks and lube.

I inquire “did he knock over all that?”

Bens face said it all, nope he wants to buy all these.

I respond with “Really?” 

Ben shrugs and says “He has more.”

About 10mins pass and the gentlemen comes to the register with another arm load of rubber dicks and lube. So I begin to ring up his purchase & i cant resist so i ask……

"so having a party?"

the man looks and smiles and the words that passed out of his lips will live with me forever. 

"Well, the wifes outta town & i got me a stripper i gotta take care of."

I paused. I am now waiting for this information to register in my brain. He’s kidding right? So I ask…..

"Well alright. Why do you need all this?"

His response is now a thing of legend.

"Well one of these sum bitches is bound to work"

I am now fighting the urge to laugh my ass off. I am continuing to ring and then i notice the total. $300.00 worth of rubber dicks and lube. Let me repeat. $300.00 in rubber dicks and lube. We get this man all rang up and he asks the question that will not only spin your head but will put the breaks on the entire thought process of where you thought this story was going.

He asks us if we know anyone who could sell him some cialus. I am now shocked. I let him know there are plenty of places where you can get all natural supplements for “male enhancment”. He quickly cuts me off and says “No son. I need the real thing. only the hard stuff can get me hard.”

Remember when I said shocked. I take it back. Now I’m shocked.

He then elaborates…..

"Look son if you can point me in the direction of someone who can get me cialus, Im willing to trade."

He then pulls a pill bottle the size of a mayonaise jar out of his pocket.

"I got uppers, downers, and all manner of goofballs."

Remember when I said shocked. Im fucking floored.

I reply with a simple “im sorry sir.”

He then takes his huge bag of rubber dicks & lube and exits the store. 

As I was then, I still am……… FUCKING SPEECHLESS!!!!!

Musings of a Fat Nobody #214

Well, well, well….. We meet again. Its been a hot minute since my pudgy fingers have felt the need to muse on the idiocy that surrounds me but hey what the fuck do you care? Oh you know I love you now shut up & read you lilly livered shmeer.

Ok so I make my way into work the other day and the phone is ringing like there is nothing but bullshit on the other end. So reluctantly I answer the phone. “Hello”………

No answer

So like the idiot I am I give it another go as if the person didnt hear my cheery voice on the other end. 

"Hello"…….

Nothing

So heart broken that I was denied the pearls of wisdom this modern day prophet would bestow on me, I hang up the phone. Within three seconds the phone begins to ring again. My heart begins to flutter with excitement.

"Hello"

"Why’d you hang up on me?"

Oh joy a cranky old bitch on the other end. I swear I’m Psychic.

"Oh Im sorry maam. Must be an issue with the phones. how can I help you?"

"I need a blacklight. You sell em?"

"Yes maam. They are on sale……."

"Well I need one to track the faces."

At this moment I knew this was going to be fun.

"faces maam?"

"No! The mouse faces!!"

"Mouse faces?"

"Your just being a smart ass."

"Im sorry maam. Im just trying to understand you."

The response that came next will live in my soul till the day I die.

"No! No! No!…… The faces, faces, faces, FACES!!!!!!"

At this point Im silent and then it happens……..

"THE POOPIES!!! THE POOPIES!!! THE MOUSE POOPIES!!!!!"

I did everything not to loose my shit.

"Oh mouse FECES. I see."

"Yes I need it to track mouse droppings in my house will your blacklights work?"

"Well Im not sure maam."

"Well what do you know?"

"I know our blaclights are on sale….."

"Your just a lil smart ass arent you?"

The phone promptly hung up. These are the things in my life that make it worth living. I hope this lil tid bit was worth the months of waiting. See ya on the flip side fuckers…….

Vicious Circle

Promises made in the moonlight. Lies placated under the guise of love. You stared in my eyes and promised me forever while your hands wrote letters of undying love to another. My blood boils at the sight of you. You will never know anything of love. You will only know pain but not your own only the pain you can spread to others. I hope the gold can keep you happy. I hope the riches bring you every want in life. I have nothing. The one thing I possessed was my self respect and that you ripped from me. Its a circle of events that will continue to tear sinew from bone . I hope you live for ever in your castle. I hope the world sees you as I fo know……

Picking Scabs

Stare blankly at the fuzz littering a television screen that is neither flat nor state of the art. Solving the equation of you and I and knowing the answer is wrong. Crunch the numbers all you like but the answer will not compute. Time and again we look at the complications of our union and yet we see no completion. Complications stand in the way of our progress. Moving forward is not an option we must now stall until we are given the go ahead by the one in charge. Cambridge scholars could not pontificate the ramifications of our circular pattern. Dirty carpet under my feet, surrounded by people who seem to understand my plight. Except their perceptions are skewed by constant barrage of lost advice. I think I’ll wait this out…….

Deranged Rearangment

Stand down. This pursuit shall yield no fruit. The snake skin lined rows fall flat and dormant. Fall forward the collapsed arteries of disillusion. Pull the line. The rain falls like a jazz beat. Hold fast dont think too quickly on these times of woe. Laugh at the scorched earth under our feet at the blossomed cornucopia of entrails that litter the path. Feel slighted as the air kisses ur cheek. Feel blessed to know that u felt it. Bleed me like the sky bleeds the clouds. Walk away and dont look back. Because u will falter with each breath. The noises fill the night sky with moans of dying love and unrequited promises. I will hold this moment tighter than any other. The moon bathes in the afterglow. Breath in. Stop holding your breath its over

Non Linear Equations

Moving like an earth worm through the muck and mire. Righteous indignation of a forlorn conclusion. Make shift stability disguises the wayfarers. Blue grey fog filtered through kodachrome lenses. Intellectual rapist fall forward into pits of desperation. Stretch thin the lining of my stomach. Spastic complication lies in the pages of fairy stories. I will find the support of the walls that surround me. Give me what u have. All of it. I can take it. No games. No more fairy stories.

Coaxing Corpulent Cannibals with Cashew Cookies

The bomb falls from the atmosphere and into our living rooms. Crashing the status quo of normal and right and into a new decade of decadence. Rich or poor. Old or young. All are washed in the piss of compliance. Rains of blood puddle the shower drain. Complacent to look away. Too complicated to hide completely but just enough to discard the gaze of constant stares. Smell the stench of capital gains. Caste away the excremental state of being. Push the truth. Do you hear the bomb fall?

Special Victims Unit

My apathy has given way to caring. My constant jealousy of invisible suitors has given way to trust. My incompatibility is now compatible. The sky opened up and there you were. I have pushed away convention, I have hurt others with my indifference. Not you. You won’t let me. You have your own ideas. Time. It seems like it’s taking forever. I want your time i need your time. I’ll wait. I hope for not. Breathe. Your impatience will be your down fall. I will do for me and mine.

Runaway

Not enough, not enough this, not enough that, just all around not enough. Give bleed purge pour your life into this cup, share and make merry as the prosperous and unsure watch as you fade. Silver lined promises and apathetic disloyalty. Disapproving eyes stray forth to unquenched callused thoughts. Loyalty. Loyalty is a buzz word like love or promise. Maybe someday, maybe. But you don’t understand his mistakes paved the way for the failure you are now enjoying. Intelligence breeds fore though.

Breakfast

I sit here in the cracker barrel waiting on some delictable morsels when I look around and none of us are talking. We are all on our phones. Even as we speak as I discover this anti-social tragedy im on my own phone. Writing you an eloquent take on technology over taking our brain washed psyche’s. That’s it in gonna talk to Corey……….
…………… He told me to shut my mouth. I really shouldn’t have bothered him. He is on level 9.